Codependency is a dysfunctional relationship dynamic where one person assumes the role of “the giver,” sacrificing their own needs and well-being for the sake of the other, “the taker.” The bond in question doesn’t have to be romantic; it can occur just as easily between parent and child, friends, and family members.The term “codependency” first appeared in substance abuse circles to describe a lopsided relationship that has been consumed and controlled by one person’s addiction. It grew in popularity and became shorthand for any enabling relationship. Codependency is not a clinical diagnosis or a personality disorder and has sparked much debate and controversy among psychology experts.
Healthy relationships are mutually beneficial, providing love and support to both parties. Codependent relationships, on the other hand, are one-sided, casting one person in the role of constant caregiver. By being caring, highly functional, and helpful, that person is said to support, perpetuate, or “enable” a loved one’s irresponsible or destructive behavior. For example, helping an inebriated spouse navigate an embarrassing situation or providing living quarters for a substance-using adult child is said to be counterproductive, a way of forestalling recovery and perpetuating the problem.According to this way of thinking, creating emotional distance from the troubled loved one is necessary and beneficial for the codependent partner: It is a way to expose them to the negative consequences of their behavior.In being reliable, caring, and nurturing, the codependent partner is perceived to be exhibiting any number of weaknesses of his or her own—from low self-esteem and an excessive need to please others to poor interpersonal boundaries that make him or her feel responsible for the other’s problems.
Common signs of codependency include:
- A deep-seated need for approval from others.
- Self-worth that depends on what others think about you.
- A habit of taking on more work than you can realistically handle, both to earn praise or lighten a loved one’s burden.
- A tendency to apologize or take on blame in attempt to keep the peace.
- Patterns of avoiding conflict.
- Tendency to minimize or ignore your own desires.
- Excessive concern about a loved one’s habits or behaviors.
- A habit of making decisions for others or trying to “manage” loved ones.
- A mood that reflects how others feel, rather than your own emotions.
- Guilt or anxiety when doing something for yourself.
- Doing things you don’t really want to do, simply to make others happy.
- Idealizing partners or other loved ones, often to the point of maintaining relationships that leave you unfulfilled.
- Overwhelming fears of rejection or abandonment.
Managing Co-dependency:
Codependency is a learned behavior. That means it’s possible to unlearn the codependent traits causing you distress and affecting your relationships and well-being.Lacking a clear sense of who you are can also keep you from engaging in fulfilling friendships and relationships, leaving you feeling lonely and isolated. The first step will be your awareness to the issue. Being as honest with ourselves as possible will allow us to see where the problems exist, which in turn allows us to know where we should focus our attention when analyzing this problem.
Here are some tips to help managing co-dependency:
- Start being honest with yourself and your partner. Doing things that we do not want to do not only wastes our time and energy, but it also brings on resentments. Saying things that we do not mean only hurts us, because we then are living a lie. Be honest in your communication and in expressing yourneeds and desires.
- Stop negative thinking. Catch yourself when you begin to think negatively. If you begin to think that you deserve to be treated badly, catch yourself and change your thoughts. Be positive and have higher expectations.
- Don’t take things personally. It takes a lot of work for a codependent person not to take things personally, especially when in an intimate relationship. Accepting the other as they are without trying to fix or change them is the first step.
- Take breaks. There is nothing wrong with taking a break from your partner. It is healthy to have friendships outside of your partnership. Going out with friends brings us back to our center, reminding us of who we really are.
- Consider counseling. Get into counseling with your partner. A counselor serves as an unbiased third party. They can point out codependent tendencies and actions between the two of you that you may not be aware of. Feedback can provide a starting point and direction. Change cannot happen if we do not change.
- Rely on peer support. Co-Dependents Anonymous is a 12-step group similar to Alcoholics Anonymous that helps people who want to break free of their codependent behavior patterns.
- Establish boundaries. Those who struggle with codependency often have trouble with boundaries. We do not know where our needs begin or where the other’s end. We often thrive off guilt and feel bad when we do not put the other first.
Treating Co-Dependency can often be a very difficult task to manage alone. Many times our relationships that suffer from co-dependency have been in this state for a very long time. Trying to change this behaviour is very difficult to manage without an educated neutral party involved. This helps to keep us honest during the process and to learn healthy methods of navigating relationships in ways we never have before. Can-Am Interventions promotes healthy lifestyles and healthy relationships. We are here to offer any support you need for success in your relationships and to provide answers to any concerns that you have. We are here to serve you.
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